The Road goes ever on...

thoughts on the Holy Spirit

2010-08-03T21:37:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how much of my life is lived with a cup in hand.

Without a second thought, I set one beside my plate. Beverages accompany my every meal and snack - often serving as a meal or snack themselves. Every moment of the day seems shared with refreshment of some sort. I read, write, think, and talk with a drink in hand. (As I write this, I’m nursing a pot of hot tea.)

You can imagine that due to my habit of constant hydration, I also clean a lot of cups. It seems that no matter how hard I try to conserve, I always end up using at least a few per day. One for water, one for milk, one for coffee or tea, one for a pop or some other cold beverage. How often I find myself with warm water running, soapy rag in one hand and cup in the other!

There is another use I have for cups, though. This is my least-favorite and therefore least-used application for household drinking vessels: cleaning. (For any who find themselves often at the mercy of my hospitality it should be noted that these are typically older, partially destroyed containers; fit for nothing but the trash or their current use - not for guests to drink from!) However much I try to avoid it though, it is inevitable that dogs, tubs and carpets need cleaning. So I find myself yet again performing a task with cup in hand.

I am a cup. A vessel made for a specific purpose. Sometimes that purpose is light and easy. Sometimes it’s unlovely and frustrating. Yet regardless of the ease of function, I am constantly compelled to fill myself to the brim - to steadily watch the water of life rise within my soul. Then... to turn and pour - that the overflow may be a refreshing draught or cool ablution to those upon whom I turn my attentions.

This is the essence of worship - of the Spirit-filled, Word-saturated, Christ-like life.

Hold that thought.

We are told that if we believe in Christ, His Spirit dwells within us. During their final meal together, He told His friends that the Counselor would come to them. In the midst of their grief and loss, in the thick of their confusion and slipping faith - when they felt most abandoned, He came to them. “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you."

We are not alone. If we accept the Word of Christ, His Spirit takes up residence within the confines of our hearts.

Anything? A catch in the throat? A leap of the heart?

..... nothing .....? Hm.

One of the greatest casualties of our intellectually-based faith tradition is our doctrine concerning the Holy Spirit. From the flannel-graph to the pulpit, we utterly fail to grasp the full meaning of the Holy Spirit’s indwelling of our souls. Now, the wonderful ladies who taught my Sunday School classes were most likely not attempting to inspire fear when they told me that God is “always watching,” but they did. He sees all - He sees me when I’m sleeping, He knows when I’m awake. He knows if I’ve been bad or good...

ahem.

The tragedy is, though, that our teachings on God’s omniscience tend to lean us closer to St. Nick than the Holy Spirit. We hear of God’s all-knowing, all-seeing presence and think of a distant, keen-eyed list keeper - amiable for the most part, though terrible in wrath if it comes to it.

In fact if we are honest the omniscient, everywhere-at-once side of God has little to do with the Holy Spirit in our minds. In most Christian rhetoric, this mysterious member of God’s personal community tends to be viewed as a gift giver (back to the jolly fat man again!). Our thoughts tend to fall most on what He does for us (“Does He give me an inexplicable ability to speak in the tongues of angels?” “Does He make me a more passionate worshiper?” etc.) and we forget that God’s ability to see all of Creation stems directly from His Spirit infusing that Creation. Then once we finally hold that idea, we run into another problem. Since the Holy Spirit is a less “concrete” idea than the Father or the Son, we tend to not assign Him a specific entity. Rather He becomes an ethereal, metaphysical cloud of a being that can be called upon to perform specific functions (i.e. give something) when needed and forgotten when it is convenient.

The issue here is not that the Spirit of God is a giver of spiritual gifts. He is. Paul tells his brothers in Corinth that the Spirit manifests Himself (makes Himself known) in different ways for different people “for the common good.” Some are given gifts of wisdom, or intellect. To others, He gives them gratuitous amounts of faith. Still to a few others, He passes out the fireworks - gifts of healing, prophecy, tongues, interpretation, etc.

The point however, is not in the gifts but in their rationale: “for the common good.” Gifts of the Spirit are given in accordance with the inherent potential and need that God sees within an individual, but they are all given for the ultimate purpose of building up the body and displaying Christ to the world.

What is the best way of carrying out that purpose though? What is the vehicle that will translate our raw God-given talents into the currency of life-giving Spiritual gifts?

If we continue to read Paul’s letter, he tells the Corinthians that he will now show them “the most excellent way.” This ‘most excellent way’ is the key. The key to understanding the purpose of our gifts, of our lives as Christians. It gives context to our community and our mission. Without it, we are mere children playing with toys far beyond our comprehension. And, like toddlers piloting motorcycles, the result will be anything but “for the common good.”

This ‘most excellent way’ is simple. So simple in fact that we can sum it up in one word. But like most one-word solutions, the unpacking of the concept is beyond any one man’s ability to fully comprehend or achieve. The simple answer is love. The full idea however, is beyond even the divinely-inspired pen of Paul to completely convey.

First he tries explain that, without love, our spiritual gifts of tongues, prophecy, scholarship, faith, and generosity are worthless.

Our GOD-GIVEN gifts mind you. All meaningless without love.

Moving on, the Apostle then tries to explain both what love is and is not:

It is patient and kind. It is not envious, boastful, proud or rude. It is not self-seeking or easily angered. Nor is it a record keeper of past injustices suffered. It gets no pleasure from evil, only from pure, unadulterated Truth. Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres and above all, never fails. (paraphrase)

Now that’s a nice list, but what does it mean for our lives, our community and the world? How does Paul expect us to take in such an “excellent way” and still learn to use the gifts we’ve been given? And what does this all have to do with the Holy Spirit?

First, remember that the gifts themselves are not the point. They are for the ‘common good,’ which is, in essence, the building up of our Christian brothers and the world around us. Secondly, we learn to use our gifts as we learn to love. Think about that. Our gifts do not become truly Spirit-given until they are used in love with the purpose of building others up. Just because we have a talent (e.g. engaging speaker, musical abilities, keen intellect, hospitable nature or empathetic disposition), does that mean we are automatically using them for God if we express them in the context of church? Could we really assume that the church building is so holy that a vindictive, impatient, unkind man can step up on the stage, preach a sermon and build up the body?

Well, yes and no.

Thankfully, God can use the worst of us to glorify His Name and strengthen His Church. No doubt there will be some who hear the message and don’t realize the personal context of the deliverer. They will walk away strengthened, praising God for using that man’s gifts. On the other hand, God is also willing to allow that man’s hypocrisy to curdle in the hearts of those of his hearers who know him best. They will leave frustrated that God would allow such a miscreant to so brazenly exhort others to abide by words he himself refuses to follow. The God-given talents were used, the Spirit-given gifts were not.

Unfortunately for me, I am that vindictive, impatient, unkind man (who also happens to deliver the occasional sermon). What hope is there for one such as me? How can I move from merely using my human talents for my own ends to allowing the Spirit of God to course through my veins and into my actions? How can I apply Paul’s teaching and love those around me when every desire within urges a different approach? In short, “who will rescue me from this body of death?”

Paul answers that in another letter when he declares that I am not controlled by the sinful nature, but by the Spirit (if the Spirit of God lives in me). And I know that the Spirit lives within me because I have made a commitment to be a disciple - on that day when I was baptized in the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I know because I am not controlled by the sinful nature. Oh I am most certainly still susceptible to it, but I am not controlled by it. Because of Christ’s sacrifice and my decision to accept it, my dying body is no longer the dominant force in my life. My soul, that smallest of sparks from the eternal Flame of God’s being can be alive because of Someone Else’s righteous acts on my behalf. It is in that knowledge of my own insufficiency - the comprehension that I did nothing to merit the Counselor’s presence in my life - that I am able to pursue this life of love that Paul lays out.

Now that’s what I call the gift of the Holy Spirit!

It‘s not a talent or ability, but the free bestowing of God’s presence in my life. He is not a spying, red-suited list keeper, but an “ever-present help in trouble.” The Spirit is not a faceless entity, ready at our beck and call but a member of the Godhead. He is the paraklete: the Helper, Aid-giver, Consoler and Counselor. The Advocate, who takes our case before a Judge we are unqualified to see. The Giver of gifts and Reminder of the Will of God. He takes the frozen hearts of care-worn pilgrims and saturates them in the warmth of the God of love.

And the most impossible part of it all? Quite often we get to be the vehicles of that love. Oh sometimes the Spirit just skips a step and pours His gifts upon unsuspecting men and women (cf. the book of Acts). Most of the time, though, He relies on our fumbling hands to do His business. He works in us at an individual level, filling us up in preparation for acts of love, and then works through us to accomplish them.

Which brings us back to the cup.

I am a cup. You are a cup. We are all called to be vessels of the Holy Spirit. A chalice filled to the brim with the crystal clear water of life.

Throughout our daily lives, the God of the Universe spends His time pouring the limitless waters of Himself into the cups of our souls via His Word, prayer & meditation, fasting & praise, brief revelations of Joy and Beauty and acts of love received. We then in turn pour our small, hole-ridden vessels out upon all who happen to step into our path. A worshipful Christian life is a one that is daily filled by the Lord and poured out upon others. Sunday just happens to be the day He set aside for us to practice it together en masse. We could not hold it in even if we wanted to. A Christian who keeps the Water to himself most assuredly has an empty cup. If we are truly allowing the Spirit to flow into our souls, there will be no doubt because it will - it must - overflow onto others.

So how do we know for sure? The Apostle John says that there is a way we can know we are walking in the Truth. There is a method we can follow that will put our hearts at rest in the presence of God so that even if our hearts try and condemn us, we can know, without a single, nagging doubt that we are pleasing God:

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

There’s a story of a young boy who went to Sunday school one week to see a life-sized, cardboard-cutout of Jesus standing in his classroom. His teacher proceeded to speak of how Jesus died so that He could live inside us - that He loves us so much He wants to come into our hearts.
The boy’s eyes got wide. He raised his hand and said, “But He’s so big! If I let Him inside me He’ll be bursting out all over the place!”

thoughts on identity

2010-08-03T21:28:00.001-07:00

"I don't want to talk to him, you do it!"

"Shh! No, you do it."

"Why?"

"Because I'm staff, you're the student. You should talk to the new stu-dent."

So begins another Sunday morning at the Campus House. New, unplugged students sit quietly fidgeting in their seats, instantly betraying their newbie status while the vets circle the wagons 'round the most interesting conversation, or the coffee (depending on the morning). Some dutiful leader will trudge over to the nearest of these new kids and try to strike up a conversation. Yet the answers come too quickly; flat responses not begging a response or further questions. Two minutes later, the stock questions are used up, the awkward silence begins, and the defeated leader returns to the group. Guess they didn't really want to belong, or they would've answered my questions better. Oh well, mission accomplished. Count one more jewel in the ol' crown and pass the creamer.

...All we wanted was to belong, to be included; for the circle to open towards us and for that exchange of stories and life-experiences to begin. The couple to our left (both fellow campus pastors) smiled and introduced themselves. We began said exchange. Yet our answers quickly came, our return questions begging only the smallest concessions from their target. All we wanted was to belong, to be included. Why then did we resist that which we wanted most? I turn to ask another question, to somehow keep the conversation moving forward (to where...?), and they dutifully answer. The stilted, forced conversation ground on for a few minutes more, until they saw old friends and slowly pulled themselves out of our sphere and into another. All we wanted was to belong, to be included - and they wanted to include us, to help us belong.

So who's fault was it that we didn't? Who must take the blame for the breakdown of community? Is it the ones inside the circle who legitimately try but fail? Is it the outsider who just can't get comfortable?

God, why is this so hard!?
Why does this community thing give us so much trouble? I mean if we were made to do it, if God hard-wired the desire and abilities for deep human interaction within our psyche, why do we find it so difficult?

For that matter, why do we find it so hard to do, well, anything we were created to do? Why is it that every single thing we were created to be - those things that should be at the center of our existence, at the very core of our being and self-perception, are the most elusive of all? Our retreat speaker says that "horses were made for running, dogs for hunting, and humans for worship - to dwell in the presence of God." Dwelling? How could I ever dwell in the presence of the Almighty? It's hard enough for me to force myself before His feet in the 20 minutes provided by the music leader, or in my contrived, bored devotional moments. Dwell in God's presence? I have difficulty just visiting! Worship is just one stop around the board, one corner along the way to my $200 and "GO". How can I encourage a lifestyle of worship from those I profess to teach, when I find it so hard to practice?

She just won't leave me alone! She slammed it down my throat in high school, she followed me to college. Oh I never saw her, she was too good for that, but I heard her. When I was studying for a test, reading for a report, or researching a paper, she was there whispering in my ear ... barely audible to anyone else, but present nonetheless. I thought I'd left her behind once I graduated, but she keeps popping up!

I am, of course, talking about my senior AP lit teacher.

"Identity!" she'd say, "It's all about identity! Raskolnikov, Frankenstein and his monster, Hazel Motes, all the Bundren's, Invisible Man, Marlow, Kurtz... they're all after identity!" And it was true. It seemed that every book we encountered found someone searching for identity - for who they really were in this messed up world. I don't mean by vocation, nationality, ethnicity or any other way that men try to define one another. I mean personally, deeply. These characters wanted to know who they were at the root of themselves. When all else was stripped away, what was the truth that would remain? Would anything?

Discussing this idea of "identity" brings other characters to my mind. Other men and women who just wanted to know who they were... King David - "What does it mean to be 'God's anointed'? Am I still worth anything once the crown is stripped away? When I'm exiled from my own city?" Or take Moses - "How do I lead God's Chosen People? Where's the balance between self-degradation and over-weaning pride? Am I still worth anything if I delegate my responsibilities to other men?"

What of Sarah or Hannah (lacking the one thing a respectable eastern woman needed - sons)? Who were they if not just dry wells, objects worthy of scorn and derision?

Zachaeus? Just a mean, wee little man (one sympathizes)!

And Peter? So impulsive, so "leap first" - just a cover for insecurity.

And on, and on...

It's probably cliche to say that Jesus got it right but well, He did. He must have had questions... right? I mean, what was all that business with His baptism? Did He need to be confirmed by John? Or when He asks His disciples who they think He is. Does it really matter? The very embarrassing Gethsemane ordeal? And what in the world was all the loneliness of the cross? All that "forsaken" business? Sounds pretty depressive for someone who knows He is God's one and only begotten Son!

Yet I think it's in that last example - of the Messiah's final cry of despair - that we find the answer to our own question of identity. Jesus lived His earthly ministry and life (interchangeable ideas for Him. Hmmmm... ...ahem, anyway) with a confidence and a well, humble swagger that had never before been seen. He was so confident in His place with His Father that He was literally unflappable. It astounded His audiences, it mesmerized His disciples. It drove His enemies crazy. Yet it drew all of the above to Him like a magnet. But why? I mean, why was the Saviour so irresistible to those He met?

By now you can probably guess the answer is "Identity." Jesus knew Who He was on the deepest level. To sum up like 5 hours of talking, our speaker says that God gives us two things - unconditional love and freedom. Jesus had both of those - a knowledge that He was completely, unchangeably, deeply loved. And, because of said love, He was free to pursue eternal, Kingdom-driven dreams. Now since He was God and He kinda came to save the world, His dream was pretty focused but you get the idea.

So when did this twofold gift - the promise of love-everlasting and freedom-eternal - come to us? Well, we were originally created to know and enjoy both gifts, but the Fall pretty much ended that dream. It was not until Jesus came and showed us exactly what that kind of life looked like that we were able once again to appropriate these gifts. He showed us what a real Human Being looks like. See, the times we act most like "humans" is not when we fail. It is not when we get angry or depressed, or our pride is bruised, or we get this overwhelming desire to prove ourselves. Those desires are carnal. They're animal. No, we act most like humans when we live comfortably rooted in the knowledge of the Twofold Gift. Paul described it as Jesus becoming the "Second Adam" - the One who could reverse the first Adam's damage and could show us again how to appropriate and live out the knowledge given in The Gift. Lewis describes it as Jesus beginning a "good infection" at the root of humanity - one that will slowly - sometimes imperceptibly - yet relentlessly transform the whole Tree. We're called to "catch" this infection and follow our Kinsman Redeemer where He will lead.

Where are we following Him? Into humanity. Sweaty, dust-covered, flawed, glorious humanity. Slowly, as we begin to appropriate the Gift - as I begin to not only believe but actually live as though God loves me without condition or stipulation, and that His love sets me free - we can pass it on to others.

And now we find ourselves at the end (or back at the beginning). You see, we long for community. All of us. We all want to know and be known by others. To have them encourage and challenge us with Truth. To have "a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner." But that desire will forever go unfulfilled until the day we catch Jesus' Good Infection and pass it on. Until the day we live as though nothing in this world can take us because we "are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus" (Gal 3:26), that through the waters of our baptism we have truly "clothed ourselves with Christ" and become God's true and rightful heirs... until that day, we cannot have true, lasting community because we do not yet have it with God ourselves. So you see, it's really up to you, and me. Whether I am the insider or the new kid, community begins with me. We cannot invite people to share a gift we have never received, cannot lead people down a road we have never travelled. But I have faith that one day, when I can finally just believe what I should have always known about myself, I can shake off the paralyzing rust of sin, take up the privileges and responsibilities of The Gift and become, for the first time, truly Human.

Then I can ask you to come along.

new direction...

2010-08-03T21:18:00.000-07:00

so this is going in a new direction.

previously I had used this space as part of an assignment. I had a class that basically kept up with my ministry and gave me internship credits labeled as "field experience." now that I am graduated and in an official full-time ministry position (actually, I've been in it for a year now), I wanted to use this as a place to think.

I'll do my best to only publish edited versions of my "thoughts," but understand that I'm writing this as a means to help process different thoughts/notions/theories of the theological/devotional/life persuasion.

I tend to speak more clearly and explain myself better if I've battled it out on the keyboard first.

I really would like to keep these coming out about once every month at the least (preferably more... just depends on the craziness of the semester).

so without further ado, here's the first two entries that I've had sitting around for a month-ish.

work

2009-07-23T07:41:00.001-07:00

i was brought up to see work as either manual labor or desk work.

every job i have ever had has consisted of me either doing school work or wearing uncomfortable, unflattering uniforms while standing or sitting at a desk, usually working with consternated customers (who, by the way, are always WRONG).

whew. glad i got that one off my chest!

that, or i was working hard doing manual labor. oddly enough, though these were the toughest jobs (and had the least to do with what i wanted to accomplish in life), i always enjoyed them the most. i think it was that i could actually see the progress i had made. when i worked for the sod farm, i could look on a field at the end of the day and think, "wow, i did all of that." or if i was building a house in mexico, i could look at it and literally see my work take shape.

anyway.
that's work, right? i mean, isn't work either pushing papers, dealing with perturbed customers, or sweating?

apparently not anymore.

i am now learning a third definition for work.

in this species of labor, my progress is not necessarily evident. i am no longer considered successful if i finish such and such project on time. nor am i employee of the month if i sweat more than the next guy.
in this new line of work, my number one project is the human heart. it is not to become a famous worship leader, nor is it to become a popular speaker, writer, or teacher. my goal, my "work" is to impact students for Christ.

the means of achieving that goal are as varied as the students i will be working with. sometimes it is as simple as working through music, a Bible study, or a sermon. most times, though, it will be developing a long-standing relationship by spending time with students at someplace like a coffee shop, having both important and trivial discussions.

my JOB is to have coffee.

(not bad eh?)

...well, that and having lunch.

or meeting people on walks.

or keeping up with them on the web.

really, my job is to be available. my "work" is to be ready at all times, in every season, to discuss Christ with these students. (hmmm, i know i've heard that somewhere!)

I mean, you never know when the perfect opportunity will come to move from discussing music, books, sports, etc to the Living Water.

so, for a while at least, i think i'll have to slowly learn that i can still be doing work and not necessarily be getting any "projects" done. that the work i can't see is more important than what i can.

and i think i'm ok with that.

Balance

2009-06-29T08:54:00.001-07:00

CAPTAIN'S LOG:
Day 16 in uncharted waters
10:00hrs
Location: Patio, Coffee shop, known by locals as "MT Cup"
Current Status: vexed. terribly vexed.

we have made contact with the natives on numerous occasions and have begun diplomatic discussions. we are confident our efforts to learn the local language and customs will reap many rewards in the days to come.
however, the locals seem to believe the can extort us by charging a dollar for a coffee refill when they have previously charged only 50¢.
this has led to much consternation amongst the officers on the bridge. will continue to report developments as situation progresses.

ok, on to business:
so where is the line between "dive in and put your own fingerprints on this" and "don't change everything at once"?
this will be the recurring question i will surely ask many times in the months to come.
as my lead pastor, mark, put it: i am more free to make changes quickly since this is not a typical church setting. here, i do not have to deal with sister bernice, who has played the organ for 30 years, or brother leroy, who has lead the music from the pulpit for 20. however, the downside is that i have a high turnover. any semester i might lose someone that i have groomed for months or years.
honestly, i do not see a whole lot i want to change. i think alex (the last guy to work this position full time) and michael (the intern last year) left this ministry in great shape. i have some personality and procedural differences that will be apparent right away, but nothing that will rock these student's worlds.
philosophically, i think i have landed right where i should have. the stance on "worship" here is very practical and holistic. mark (and i'm assuming alex as well) have very broad interpretations of worship. everything we do on a sunday is worship to them. the question is, how do you get that information from the leaders and transmit it to students? how do you get them to take it back to the dorms? yes, we are worshiping all sunday morning. but what about monday? how do i get my praise team, the student leaders, and the rest of the students to take hold of this idea?

worship is an act.
worship is a lifestyle.
worship is a state of mind.
worship is a philosophy.

sigh.
why ever did i choose an occupation where i must lead something that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, abstract noun, and other word types that i have forgotten since my last grammar class?
somehow i need to balance the practical day-to-day things i'm responsible for (music, tech stuff, teaching, etc) while also trying to teach new people and old topic in a new way.

this is going to be more complicated than i thought.

first week...

2009-06-21T17:46:00.001-07:00

well, boxes have been opened, people introduced, meetings attended, and ice cream consumed. we all know what this means...

ive had my first week on the job!

as such, i have decided it is only fit and proper that i record a short register of observations:

1) summer breaks go by fast
2) full time work goes by slowly
3) my wife is amazing
4) my apartment is crazy hot. and not like Foreigner "hot blooded, check it and see," but like im going to suffocate and be found rotting under my bed hot
5) houses in muncie are selling like belgian waffles in brussels
6) the light switch in my office is playing hide and seek
7) my wife is amazing
8) i miss my dishwasher and my friends
9) my dog is bored
10) i suck at golf
11) i love walking this campus
12) i am in over my head
13) i am exactly where i need to be

God has placed mikala and me here for a reason. there are people we will laugh with, cry with, love, teach, impact and be impacted by.
we will have life-altering experiences and meet wonderful people.
last week was a great start to a family move, a job, and a career. if its anythign like last week, then i am thrilled to discover what may come this time.

and that is a good sign.

What to say, what to say....

2009-03-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

well i don't really know how to say this w/o sounding bitter or angry (which i'm honestly not), and w/o impugning the other party's honor....so, here goes.....

basically, i have been alerted to the fact that i will be let go at the end of the semester (aka fired, allowed to leave, discharged, etc).

in january, i spoke with my elders about the possibility of going full time, and they told me that they would not be able to afford to do so. they told me i was free to look for other ministries, but that my current position was secure until we (my wife) found a place to land.

that all changed a week ago when i was called by an elder and told that my ministry would conclude at the end of this may.

Really? that was a new one on me. o well, i figured the money situation was probably worsening and they needed to drop something. i was planning on leaving eventually, so i was ok with it.

UNTIL.....until i found out that this was not, at its core, a financial decision. sure, with the burden of my salary lifted, they will be able to pay their depleted savings back sooner, but that was not the primary reasoning here. apparently, the finance committee (as a whole) did not know of this decision, neither did the person through whom all of the money weekly flows. no, this was a decision by the elders alone.

so, i called up the elder who told me the news and requested a lunch meeting with him. at the end of that enlightening meeting, i found out that these "feelings" of unhappiness had been brewing in the church (read: certain members) for a long time. i found out that the reason the first service never sang with me was not only b/c it was early and they were mostly elderly (though in all fairness, those factors do play a part), but mostly it is b/c they have shut me out. when i asked the reason for this, the elder told me that the church and i were not a "good fit". i asked what i had done or said to make myself a "bad fit" for this church. there was a lot of "ums" and "wells" and i was finally told that i did too many new songs too often.

ok, well that's understandable....except that we dealt with that back in august! i then told this man that i had taken (at least to some extent) every single piece of advice i had been given. we remembered that i got off to a rough start by not being able to lead on consecutive weeks until june, and that i had to completely shift my paradigm for music ministry from what i had previously experienced to what i was now doing. these processes require time and patience, right?

apparently i was not given much of either. i figured this out when i was told that my efforts were "too little, too late".

really? so three (consistent) months into my ministry and it's already too late? honestly, what do you expect from a college student who is in his first ministry?

in the end, i'm ok with their reason. i think it's extremely subjective and i wouldn't run a church like that, but i'm not an elder. i also firmly believe in the authority and honor due to elders (I Tim 5 is great medicine for times like this).

HOWEVER, i was also brought up to say what you mean, to drive to the heart of matters, and to treat people with respect -- even when it hurts. that is not how i have been dealt with here. i can say that i have been extremely underwhelmed by this church's leadership thus far. i have only once been approached forthrightly about something, and most of the time i only hear whisperings of what people really think. people refuse to confront me to my face about issues, either by attributing their complaint to someone else ("well, people have been talking....") or by other means (magazine articles, email, etc).

at this point, there is nothing that can be done except to clear the air and to leave with an idea as to what my references will be. i wanted to find out what i did wrong so that i would not perpetuate my mistakes in my next ministry, however the biggest thing i will take with me will be to make sure i am wanted by the leadership. i was not hired by the elders, i was hired by a committee empowered by the elders. yet, when i do not please the elders, they are free to fire me based on subjectivity alone.

in essence, i know i made mistakes. i know i didn't do everything (0r anything for that matter) perfectly, but i also know that i did better than i have been given credit for. the last thing i want to do is to become what they believe me to be -- an arrogant young man who only wants what he wants. God, help me to be more!

in the end, God has a plan and He will use this for His glory... both in my family's life and in the life of this church.

this is my Father's world, o let me ne'er forget

that tho the wrong is oft so strong,

God is the ruler yet.

this is my Father's world, i rest me in the thought

of rocks and trees, of skies and seas,

His hands the wonders wrought.

this is my Father's world, the battle is not done.

Jesus who died shall be satisfied,

and earth and heaven be one.

The King Shall Come

2009-02-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

this is a hymn i just discovered. it had an excerpt in one of my textbooks, so i looked it up. it is attributed to John Brownlie from his Hymns of the Russian Church collection published in 1907. from what i've found, mr. brownlie held a wide knowledge of koine greek, and his hymnals were not only translated hymns but also what he called "suggestions" (original works based off his knowledge of ancient greek hymns). since this one is not found on any ancient manuscripts and is anonymously written, many assume this is one of mr. brownlie's "suggestions."

regardless of its author, enjoy the words. i'm sure i'll be writing an arrangement soon to use in church....

The King Shall Come

(When Morning Dawns)

1. The King shall come when morning dawns,
And light triumphant breaks;
When beauty gilds the eastern hills,
And life to joy awakes.

2. Not as of old a little child
To bear, and fight, and die,
But crowned with glory like the sun
That lights the morning sky.

3. O brighter than the rising morn
When He, victorious, rose,
And left the lonesome place of death,
Despite the rage of foes; —

4. O brighter than that glorious morn
Shall this fair morning be,
When Christ, our King, in beauty comes,
And we his face shall see.

5. The King shall come when morning dawns,
And earth's dark night is past;
O haste the rising of that morn,
The day that aye shall last;

6. And let the endless bliss begin,
By weary saints foretold,
When right shall triumph over wrong,
And truth shall be extolled.

7. The King shall come when morning dawns,
And light and beauty brings:
Hail, Christ the Lord! Thy people pray,
Come quickly, King of kings. Amen.

Rough Draft

2009-02-18T12:04:00.000-08:00

So this is the rough draft of a document i am planning on attaching to the resume i will send to churches. the idea is that my resume can be complete business -- merely my qualifications and references -- and this can explain what it is i am looking for in a ministry. i realize it is kind of long for a blog but it is only a page and like a third on microsoft word. what i am asking you to do is to review this and give me your thoughts. good, bad or ugly, i crave your opinion on this, it is rather important to me. feel free to comment on anything -- whether my writing, exegesis, philosophy, or practical thoughts. ok? ok..... have at it!

A Brief Explanation Of Pastoral Worship Ministry

I have been involved in the worship ministry of the Church nearly all my life. I have played virtually every instrument on stage, I have taught, preached, and administered communion. I was especially drawn to the musical aspect while in high school, so when I graduated and applied to Ozark Christian College, I decided to pursue a four-year music degree highlighting classical piano.

As I studied, though, I encountered a difficulty in attempting to reconcile “music” and “worship” in my personal philosophy of ministry. Why is it that my degree was entitled a Bachelor of Music and Worship? I must confess that I struggled my entire career at Ozark to harmonize the two streams of my education. On the one hand, I was learning how to skillfully interpret and defend the Bible, and on the other I was learning how to skillfully play music. Are the two mutually exclusive? If not, why then did I see the music portion of my degree in action every day, yet the worship piece remained elusive? I began to wonder how I could blend the two into a cohesive, organic ministry. The purpose of this explanation is to briefly lay out my conclusions regarding the philosophical and practical grounds I have reached concerning the creation of a pastoral worship ministry, and how I believe such a ministry could be successfully carried out. For the sake of brevity, I will not be going into great detail. I will merely skim the surface so a general idea of this vision can be gained.

First and foremost, my studies and experience have led me to subscribe to a holistic definition of worship. In his epistle to the Romans, Paul implores his audience to no longer conform to the world’s patterns, but to “offer their bodies as living sacrifices,” which he claims is their “spiritual act of worship.” He also challenges them to “be transformed” by having their minds renewed. Worship therefore, is not merely the description of what happens for two hours on a Sunday morning; rather, it is a daily, constant activity resulting in a renewed mind and a transformed person.

If this is a true definition of worship, then the corresponding ministry should have a similar scope and purpose. A worship minister must be responsible for more than a weekly, emotional experience; he must regularly engage with the lives of those whom he leads. The Scriptures are filled with warnings to those who presume to lead God’s People. James 3 speaks of God judging teachers more strictly, and Paul soberly warns Timothy throughout the Pastoral Epistles to “watch his life and doctrine closely,” because he will be held largely responsible for his congregation’s understanding and practice of the Christian life. It is because of this enormous responsibility that “Worship Minister” might be the most audacious of titles ever given to any leader, and should be approached with fear and trembling. The essence of taking on such a responsibility is that he agrees to oversee, exhort and encourage his congregation in their daily walk, and to take personal responsibility for the results.

The practical working out of such a task in today’s Church is complicated, yet not impossible. In order to hold such a position, the pastor must be able to handle an organic, multi-faceted role with efficiency and excellence. These multiple rolls would largely fall under the positions currently known as Involvement, Associate and Music Ministry.

The “involvement” aspect would include overseeing such activities as Sunday school and small groups. This oversight implies involvement in tweaking format, curriculum planning, plugging people in, etc. The “associate” facet of the ministry would entail a teaching role, in which some measure of classroom/small group leadership would take place, as well as possible supply-preaching opportunities as circumstances allow.

The final aspect of course includes the actual Sunday services. Music has always played an integral part in the Church’s worship – both corporate and individual. Through music the Church is able to transmit the faith and Scripture in a highly emotive fashion. This aspect of worship is probably the most popular and spiritually instinctive to men of all faiths and times, and therefore should be utilized by the Church. Combined with the musical aspect of the service are the observances of the Eucharist, offering, the reading of Scripture, prayer, testimony/confession and baptism. These various activities – as well as a few others – which take place during Sunday services would also come under the umbrella of pastoral worship ministry.

In laying forth this brief vision of a pastoral worship ministry, I am fully aware of the fact that such a task is overwhelmingly large and possibly too unwieldy for one person. However, I know that, as a “worship pastor” my calling goes beyond music ministry. However, I also cannot ignore that aspect of my passions or gifts. I wish to do more than merely minister through music or teaching, I wish to become a pastor who cares for and looks after his congregation’s Christian walk. It is to this mission I have been called – to help the Church learn a holistic view of worship, one in which they find themselves becoming living sacrifices, daily, physically living out their faith. Society has taught people to separate their spirituality and daily life and it is my dream, and I feel, my calling, to be a part of the movement which brings about a new awareness of the Holy Spirit’s working in our everyday activities.

Yoo-Hoo, Brute?

2009-02-04T05:09:00.000-08:00

i love yoo-hoos. 12oz of childhood in a can i call em.

the advertised 7 vitamins and minerals are a mere ploy to get parents to buy this wonderful elixir for their malnourished, caffeine-induced children while the bright yellow and blue packaging are a ploy for the children to want it. never mind the semi-watery texture. never mind the contents must be shaken to achieve even this texture. ...trifles!

i stand by my beverages! pass me another yoo-hoo!

however,

a few days ago, i had an interesting discussion with my mom about this drink. (well, actually we were talking about other stuff and this was a rabbit trail. no matter...)

she claimed there was no difference between chocolate Silk (soy milk) and my beloved refreshment.

i disagree. my main argument is against intent. Silk pretends to be chocolate milk. it advertises itself as a healthy, identical alternative to chocolate-flavored cow milk.

yoo-hoos, on the otherhand, commit no such heresy. it merely claims to be a "chocolate drink." i think, in their strategy meetings, the creators of yoo-hoo realized they couldn't fool anyone, and wisely decided on the current adjective. people just know when they've had the real thing and would rather have something similar but different as opposed to similar but fake.

wouldn't you?

you know when you experience something authentic and when you've been sold a fake. you know when you expect something to be full and rich and you get thin and watery.

at staff meeting this week i asked a question. i wanted to know what could be done for our early 8am service.

it's bad.

"tepid" fails to express the level of melancholy i deal with every week for 20 agonizing minutes. the service is 98% seniors, small in number, and early in the morning. "if it's me" i said, "or something i'm doing, please tell me so i can stop!" (i know my predecessor dealt with this same issue, but that is not ruling out the possibility that two college kids in their first ministry may make the same mistakes.) it could be that the service is too early, or that this is a naturally reserved and somber group of people. it could be one of a hundred things -- BUT i refuse to merely chalk it up to the "old people" category.

i just don't understand. i have seen seniors who are excited to corporately worship God through music -- it's infectious! they may not dance around, but they most certainly sing, smile, and seem to actually enjoy the fact they're present. my thought is, "if you dont want to be here, go back to bed!" ...and yet, there they are. every week.

is this what faith is when you get old? is this what it means to be an elderly christian? to come to a place in which your are expected to encourage and be encouraged by other believers, only to be a sour grape -- a wet blanket!? is my faith synonymous with attendance?

if it is, if this is truly what the future holds for me, tell me now b/c i want out! i'd rather know i'm getting a cleverly packaged fake than to think i'm buying the real thing, only to find a thin, watered-down shadow.

help me webster. help, help me webster.

2009-01-21T05:22:00.000-08:00

(the following conversation has absolutely nothing to do w/ my blog, it just needs to be written down for posterity and men everywhere)

7:40pm

me: hey honey, im on my way home from work.

wife: ok. hey could you make me a coffee drink when you get home?

me: yea sure! i'll need to stop and get some milk on the way home.

wife: oh well, don't worry about it.

me: eh its no problem. take 2 min.

wife: no, no, dont worry about it. ... well, actually, could you just buy me a drink at

starbucks?

me: yea, no problem. i'll pick up some milk too.

wife: oh, no, no dont worry about it.

me: what? the drink or the milk?

wife: neither. just come home and i'll get milk later.

me: what? umm ok. you sure you dont want a drink from starbucks?

wife: yea im sure.

me: positive? completely sure?

wife: yea. im positive. .... you could surprise me though.

sigh.

ANYway, on to the real blog....

so as my final term of purgatory (read: bible college) begins and i await the coming liberation (read: graduation), i begin to wonder what i'll be doing once im out. i've spent the last 4 years studying to become a "worship minister," only now that i'm so close to my goal, i begin to wonder what exactly a worship minister is.

what is this thing? i mean, a "preaching minister/senior minister" is pretty obvious, you preach and teach and deal primarily w/ adults. "youth and children's minister" are pretty self-explanatory. but worship minister??? i mean, what do you do? worship for people? (well sometimes, but we won't go into that!)

and now, boys and girls, we turn to our friend Noah Webster!

my dictionary gives the following definition for "worship":

worship (wor-ship): n. 1. the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity. 2. adoration or devotion comparable to religious homage, shown toward a principle. 3. (archaic) honor given to someone in recognition of their merit.

v. 1. to treat (someone or something) with the reverence and adoration appropriate to a deity.

incidentally, this is the definition for "minister":

minister (min-is-ter): n. 1. (archaic) a person or thing used to achieve or convey something.

v. 1. attend to the needs of someone. 2. (archaic) provide something necessary or helpful.

so, as a minister, what am i providing? how do i provide the "feeling or expression of reverence" for my small niche in the Church?

the answer?

i cant.

right.

so then, the question becomes, what exactly should i do as a worship minister?

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. (Apostle Paul)

right after he gets done telling us smelly gentiles to be thankful for our new standing with God as "ingrafted branches," Paul basically says that we must be careful or else we'll take it for granted and God will take away His blessing. then he breaks into song and follows with that little thing about "living sacrifices," about this idea of making every moment of our lives an act of worship to God (as ive heard so often, the problem with a living sacrifice is that it keeps jumping off the altar).

[yea, yea i get the whole exegetical nugget of the word being more typical for "service" not "worship" and that if "everything is worship then nothing is worship"... yet at the same time, our service to God is worship, and if we are truly, daily dying to ourselves, then our "death" is an act of worship.]

so once again, i ask, how do i minister to people through worship????

do i really believe that worship is more than music? then i must teach that!! (but how?) if i apply for a position as "worship minister" im most likely to be handed a mic and 15min of service and be expected to fill it with music.

how do i teach one definition when my actions show another???

i fully believe that "teachers shall be judged more harshly" and i will answer for my future congregation's understanding of worship. so, how do i teach worship? what does that job look like?

hmmmm guess i need Someone besides Webster to help me.

jukebox

2009-01-09T21:36:00.000-08:00

should i be paid to be a minister?

it's a simple question, yet one which has a thousand responses.

"of course! this way you can completely focus on your task. 'the worker deserves his wages' after all!"

"well yes. but it shouldn't be a stipulation to your service. 'godliness with contentment is great gain' after all."

"no! paul was a tentmaker and that should be good enough for you! after all, 'freely you have received, freely you must give.' "

of course my professors will say yes ... their whole lives have been funded by the giving of other christians; to further their ministries in both the pulpit and classroom.

of course my parents and mentors will say yes ... their entire livelihood depends on the continued giving of their congregations.

but what about me? the question begins to hit a personal note when you are six months shy of graduating and entering full-time ministry -- when you are currently on the payroll of a church.

how does a faith whose hallmark is the "priesthood of all believers" find itself being directed by a select group of "paid theological experts"!?

and yet here i am, soon to be joining their ranks in a full-time position.

am i hypocritical? am i a fraud? is it bogus for me to tell people to look into their bibles and discover God's Truth for themselves, only to correct them when they err? to beg them to take a personal interest in the One who is personally interested in them, only to explain them their shortcomings in that pursuit? one must give the restoration clergy credit, for it is really an ingenious system: champion a cause where the layman prays with his own voice to his Father, yet make sure to correct any inconsistencies in the words he choses with that which is accepted.

interesting thoughts.

but thats not what i want to talk about. ... well, not exactly.

i find myself in an interesting place. i am doing a job i emphatically believe that virtually any mature, music-minded volunteer can do and yet i am getting paid for it. i am working for a church which is so strapped for money that it puts a spending freeze on all ministries, yet it still has 3 part-time ministers, 2 full-time, and 1 full-time secretary. (oh sorry, "administrative assistant".) i have been trained to give people what they need to hear (to the meager extents of my knowledge and wisdom), yet i am unable to do so. to give fresh perspective on biblical worship would require shaking people (and myself) out of their comfort zones. however, like all hard medicine, this pill will not easily--or willingly--be taken. the treatment must be administered by someone whom the people respect. someone with rapport. someone accepted by the congregation as the resident "theological specialist" on the issue.

...which leads to me.

what am i exactly? i certainly don't feel an expert or specialist on biblical worship. i believe i have some good ideas on the subject which will fluctuate and temper themselves with age and experience. i believe my studies and thoughts in the area to be rather extensive for a person of my age (without a "classic" education that is -- i'm sure 15th-century 22-year-olds could postulate circles around me!)

... but i am no expert!

so what am i?

well, i'm a 22 year old bible college student who plans 15min of music once a week and gets paid a part time salary for doing it. i have nothing intrinsically exciting to attract people to me. i have only trace amounts of charisma. i have little respect and possibly less rapport and most certainly am not looked at as an "expert" by the people.

therefore, i do as i'm told and i don't rock the boat. when it's "suggested" i do more hymns, i do. when its "suggested" i do them the old style only, i (mostly) do. when it's "suggested" i talk less about communion (or just talk less in general) because that's "not my job," i do.

i do as i am told, when i am told. because that's why i'm paid. i am a jukebox. i am a lifeless, stationary object into which is deposited a weekly tithe of quarters and all that is asked of me is that i play the record which is selected by the loyal customer. american commercialism at its finest: we pay you for a service, and you render it to us in a speedy, satisfactory manner. if we wanted someone with less musical talent and less "training" in the art of song picker-outery, we would get a volunteer. you are not paid to pastor people as they explore God's design for Christian worship. oh, no! you are paid to play music. but not just any music -- the music "they" want to hear. (now whether "they" is everyone in the congregation or those holding powerfully-strong strings tied conspicuously to purses is another matter entirely)

in essence, i am not a "worship pastor" but a "music minister". (hmm, maybe my baptist friend is right about the difference between "pastor" and "minister"... but thats another discussion for another day!) don't misunderstand, i believe "ministering" is a vital job for every Christian. i believe we are all priests and must all have ministries. however, if we are truly to buy into this idea of picking out specific people to pastor the separate congregations of ministers, i say we trust them to pastor, and have faith that God will use them to minister to us as well.

i don't know what station this train of thought ends, but suffice it to say there is one jukebox which is about to come alive!

just a suggestion

2008-11-18T14:21:00.001-08:00

sometimes this job seems so easy.

...then i wake up.

so yesterday morning i got to class late and took a quiz i didn't study for. i forgot my coffee, my water, and was dead tired. then i decided to check my email. i had received one from a person from church back on sunday evening but i didn't feel like checking it then, so naturally, i thought i should check it now.

sigh.

when the first paragraph is a statement of general thanks for your efforts followed by the phrase "i don't presume to tell you how to do your job" you know you're in for some fun. what followed was a complete dismantling of my ministry. ...though it was the nicest dismantling i've ever witnessed.

in the end, i found it extremely odd that this person, who did not wish to tell me how to do my job, ended the email with four imperatives and an emphatic "please."

something else i found out about this person: they used to be on the praise team about four years ago AND they have health problems, which means they have not been in church consistently.

because of this and other recent discoveries, i have a few of my own suggestions....

i move to change the bylaws on worship service comments....

1. henceforth, it is forbidden to use the "prayer request" bulletin tabs for "worship service critiques"

2. henceforth, it is forbidden to make negative comments on the music leader's consistent performance unless you have attended 7 out of 8 sundays

3. henceforth, all negative comments will be put in a drop box above the office paper shredder. the box will be bottomless.

4. henceforth, in order to critique the music, the person must be courageous enough to tell the leader in person or hold said comments to themselves.

5. henceforth, for every desired change in the service, the critic must be willing to do five hours of community service for Jesus.

6. henceforth, once a critic has made a statement regarding their inability to do a job, they lose all rights to make further "suggestions." if they persist, they must put themselves in the aforementioned comment box.

finally,

7. henceforth, all critics will be taken away by an elder dressed as the grim reaper to the kindergarten room, where they must listen to the "bananas in pajamas" theme for seven solid hours.

do i have a second?

"i second."

all in favor?

aye

mhm

NO! i refuse! (punch! smack!) ....(weakly) aye

the ayes have it.

motions carried.